I'm in a mental slump.

Since I returned to work after the knee surgery, I've not had any energy for work and I don't like feeling like this. I dream of the day 5 months from now, when I'll be finished with this job. It all depends on whether I can get affordable health insurance.

That's really the only reason I'm working at all at this stage of my life, to be insured. Don has the VA to cover him but that doesn't extend to cover me, so I'm still at work. I have a lead on a health insurance plan that's specifically for people between ages 62 and 65 but I'm not sure how many riders will be attached. If it doesn't cover any of my pre-existing conditions, I'm screwed and will have to continue for another year until I can get Medicare.

If that happens, I'll be absolutely crushed, mentally. It'll be really hard to stay on top of things here when I'm so hoping to be at home, doing the things I enjoy and really want to be doing. If that's how it goes, I'll have to cope with it somehow, but it'll be hard. I owe my clients too much to let them down, but it will take just about everything out of me, I think, if I have to continue for another year.

However, I realize that it will be only Don and me in the house. Lily will have moved out to her mother's house and that means less work for me at home. Maybe it won't be so difficult when I'm relieved of Lily's care. She moves out the last weekend of this month, so we'll see if I start feeling more energetic and excited about work after that. I hope so, since I really hate feeling like this.

Sorry to have posted such a depressing thing this morning. I think if I can get it off my chest I may start feeling better about being here. Another thing that's on my mind is my hand. I saw the doc yesterday and now I need to see a surgeon to repair a painful ganglion cyst that developed on the back side of one of my knuckles. It's apparently in a tricky spot and there may be damage to the tendons and if there is, I'm looking at some physical therapy to get it back to functioning.

I've been to more doctors' appointments this summer than in the past 5 years total. On the positive side, none of these conditions are permanent things. All will be repaired and I'll be back to normal--or close to it. And the other positive thing is that I'm able to access doctors and hospitals to have these things fixed. I often think how different--and painful--my life would be 100 years ago or even if I lived in a different country and didn't have access to all the medical treatment we have here.

Thanks for putting up with my pity party. I'll be all right, I know. I come from tough German-Bohemian stock and we are a hardy people who can cope with all sorts of adversity. When life throws a curve in my path, as it will if I have to work another year, I'll have to focus on the positive, make the best of it, and continue on my journey. What else can a person do, right?

In an attempt to end this on a positive note, I checked on the monetary stats yesterday on my caseload. I have to attribute a monetary value to the benefits I've secured for my clients and each year I usually run right around a million dollars in benefits, give or take a few humdred thousands. So, yesterday, with 5 months yet to go in the year, I'm at $825,000! I should top a million easily this year! I always feel good when I look at those numbers which are a very tangible statement that the work I do every day is worth all the effort that goes into it.

Time to get on with the work of the day--I have to get over that million dollar mark!